Pandemic! (the musical)

I'm not for sure on the title yet. My musical might be called Quarantine! instead of Pandemic! I cannot decide right now, though I absolutely am certain that an exclamation point will be attached regardless of title.

I was watching the "Sondheim's 90th Birthday" celebration last night. (as an aside, I confess I was only watching because I wanted to see Lin-Manuel Miranda) I am not even remotely familiar with Sondheim's work. Or maybe I am. I don't know. Because, with the exceptions of Les Miserables and Hamilton, I tend to think that songs in Broadway musicals kind of all sound alike. Which is what, after watching last night, led me to the epiphany that I, Kim Traversi, can write a broadway musical.

It will likely not, and I really want to emphasize the NOT part of that, be very good. But also you very well might love it anyway and it may run on the Great White Way (racist!) for years like Cats, which was about anthropomorphized singing felines in a disturbingly, distortedly large city and it ran for a record 18 years. So maybe the bar isn't set super high.

Here's my list of song titles so far for Pandemic!/Quarantine! I am trying to put them into a logical order but to be fair I think I could put them in any order and it would seem logical given how this whole outbreak has evolved. I am currently thinking that my cast of characters will be mostly just ordinary people dealing with this situation, but there will be a Greek Chorus kind of narrating the whole thing and it will be completely composed of  Trump administration people.

My song list:

1. The Chinese Virus (I think this is a catchy title for a song, honestly, but also I'll have to be very, very careful with the lyrics as well as intonation)

2. This is Nothing! (this song will be sung by a group of people (characters) who dismiss all the warnings regarding coronavirus and think everyone is over-reacting; you know these people--they consider themselves experts on everything, including medicine, yet have no documentable expertise on anything; not for nothing, they tend to be Trump supporters, which will be somehow worked into this song)

2a. This Is, In Fact, Something. (you get the idea)

3. Meet Dr. Fauci (this could also be called Meet Dr. Birx; I haven't decided yet which direction I'm going with this song)

4. Where Has All the Toilet Paper Gone? (not nearly as rhythmic as Where Have All the Flowers Gone, but I think I can make it work)

5. The Social Distancing Cha Cha (which will also involve background music/lyrics of MC Hammer's "U Can't Touch This" somehow incorporated in)

6. 72 Inches is Six Feet Apart (inspired by Rent's 525,600 Minutes, so kind of like that)

7. I'm Going to Bake! (this song will not JUST be about baking; it will be lots of different people singing about the magical new hobbies they are undertaking while confined to their homes)

8. Times Square is Empty (a number, downtempo, about sheltering at home; not really sure how to inject anything pithy into this one considering NYC's situation, so not going to try)

9. The Dialogue of the Cuomos (wherein Andrew and Chris spar back and forth, simultaneously entertaining us and giving us relevant, truthful information; likely going to have a Trump pacing in the background interjecting queries about how he can steal back the spotlight)

10. Please Don't Make Me Zoom Again (don't read anything into this, Mom)(I have a great visual for this one, with a giant homemade kind of grid onstage, à la Brady Bunch, and nine people all have their faces in the boxes, and while everyone is talking nobody is really saying anything because NO ONE CAN GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING!)

11. Can I Buy Stock in Alcohol? (Sing this--it really works! You can sing this line SO MANY ways and it's so melodic. I'm thinking of doing an entire verse about AA doing an IPO...)

12. I Wish I Were (this is grammatically correct--I looked it up; subjunctive, baby)(a snarkily melancholy song centering on things we can't do currently but wish we could even though when we actually can do them we really, mostly, don't; you know--"I wish I were in a marathon training group... I wish I were working at the soup kitchen..."

13. Bleach and Light (or this may be called "A Shot of Bleach and a Chaser of Light")

14. Big News! (another sarcastic little ditty framing the mundanities of forced isolation as huge, dramatic events; i.e. Big News! I washed my car today! Big News! I took a nap!) I can actually sing this one in my head already. I have a tune and everything! Big News! I might be good at this...

15. don't know what the title could be (legal reasons) but a riff on Ray Charles' "Georgia On My Mind"; this one will absolutely include reference to Georgia's governor having no idea that coronavirus is highly contagious and might have a nice line of Rockettes in the background, called the WHO Says Dancers...

16. Netflix and Kill Me (a parody take on Netflix and Chill)

I'm still working on all of this. And obviously this world situation continues to unfold daily.
I really think I might have something here.

My apologies to Stephen Sondheim.