Let Fox Set You Straight

I know it looks bad out there. It seems like the world as we know it will never come back. It's rough.

Do you need some good news? I'm here to help. I know exactly the place you can find it.

Grab your remote! Change the channel from whatever over-hyped nonsense that's currently getting you down to the much more uplifting Fox News!

Social distancing giving you the blues? Turns out you don't have to social distance because, and this was on Fox yesterday, it doesn't work! According to a very unfamiliar alleged scientist who works for absolutely no government agency, as told to a Fox host live-streaming in from her own very isolated home, there's no actual evidence that social distancing helps prevent the spread of Covid19. So relax everyone! There's apparently no reason you can't go out and mingle.

Also, I have one word for you. Hydroxyhloroquin. Yes, it's a big word with  many syllables as well an "x" and "qu" so it's maybe the best Scrabble word ever, but it's also a MIRACLE CURE! Thank you Fox News, with a very special shout-out to Laura Ingraham, for persistently peddling encouraging the use of this extremely potentially deadly and simultaneously ineffective  hopeful remedy.

To bring it all home, to put a bounce in your step and bring you back to your happy-go-lucky pre-pandemic self, the best news of all is that Trump is NOT a narcissistic, uninformed idiot! Fox informed me that Trump, it turns out, has actually saved lives, so many lives, with his very coherent, consistent policies concerning PPE and state closures. I had no idea of this! This makes my heart sing with joy!
Fox let me in on the dirty little secret that Trump's extraordinarily informed decisions have been a model of heroic leadership in a difficult time. Guys! I had NO IDEA things were going this well! How did I not know this? Apparently he's done such a great job that America can now open again safely and get its economy back on track, which, it turns out, is Trump's the biggest priority in all of this. Sure, saving lives would be great, but that's hard. Really hard. And depressing. And it seems like it would involve getting a whole bunch of people tested, which means it would involve finding out how many people actually have Covid19 and that's just some crazy shit. Who wants to know that? That number will NOT make you feel good and if I've learned anything from watching Fox it's that I should be able to feel great about whatever I want to do regardless of how it affects others. That's my right and I shouldn't forget that. I don't know about you, but phew! I feel so much better now! Let's DO THIS America! I'm psyched!

So statistics be damned! (that should be their new catchphrase!)

Let's acknowledge and embrace the incredible job that is being done at the top levels of our federal government. Let's thank them all by doing what Sean Hannity says most Americans (Statistics Be Damned!) want to do. Hannity says that most Americans are "dying to go back to work".

Yes. Yes they are.