Random Observations in the Midst of a Pandemic, Part....whatever

I have just realized that my kitchen is Nickelodeon green. I believe on Nickelodeon they call it slime green. ick

Cherries! So good! Even with that pesky pit!

This whole pandemic thing should put a permanent end to middle seats on airlines. Just take 'em out. A little breathing room, literally, please.

I think if software companies re-released kids' computer games from, say 1999-2006, a generation of young adults would go crazy reliving their childhood joys in the midst of a quarantine.

Almond milk is not milk. Vegan sushi is not sushi. Kale pesto is really not, I mean, just no.Why so many food identity crises? "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" is at least honest. And I think we can all believe it's not butter.

I could watch all seven seasons of The West Wing a million times over. Aaron Sorkin is a writing god.

I've never been more proud than when Olivia told me her roommate read aloud my latest tweet because she thought it was funny! So for your enjoyment, here it is:
"I'm just sitting here on various clothing websites that are having monster sales, ordering clothes that I don't need, to wear to places that I'm not going."

Has anyone seen Kellyanne Conway lately? Anyone else getting nervous?

Now is not the best time to start the revival of secret handshakes. Or handshakes of any kind.

Every morning I kind of want to walk out my front door and greet the day with a giant "Fuuuucccckkkk!!!" You know. Just to wake up. Is it just me?

Why did Sting write such a serious downer of a song to sing through the end credits of The Emperor's New Groove? I mean, Tom Jones clearly got the message of the movie with his opening number. Someone dropped the ball with Sting.

Why are there two L's in llama?

What if Twitter completely shut down for 24 hours to perform software maintenance? What would happen? Would Trump implode? Would millions of people feel lost and alone? I'd kinda like to know.

Was Alice in the middle of the Brady Bunch grid because she was really the glue that held the whole Brady gang together? (I mean, the whole family was pretty non-functional when Alice left to work at a diner for one episode.) Have we been overlooking Alice's relevance for decades?

So let me get this straight.....

Warning. Political rant ahead.

So let me get this straight. Trump and his cronies are making a serious attempt at getting the entirety of Obamacare struck down, including guarantees of insurance for people with pre-existing conditions, in the midst of the largest medical crisis in 100 years, with no viable plan to replace it. Do I have that right?

So let me get this straight. Forty-three of our fifty states are currently beginning to reopen even though not a single state has met the criteria, specifically number of deaths steadily decreasing for fourteen straight days, for reopening. Do I have that right?

So let me get this straight. Testing is going just fine. According to the White House Press Secretary, and I quote, "So the notion that everyone needs to be tested is just nonsensical." Our federal government thinks we are currently doing a great job with testing as the number of cases continues to rise. Do I have that right?

So let me get this straight. Trump went to a mask factory and appeared with a group of the company's top brass, and not a one of them was wearing a mask. Not Trump. Not the brass. Because all of them were tested before Trump arrived and none of them had Covid. So Trump deserves a working environment in which everyone has been tested so he is not exposed to Covid19, but Americans should go back to work, regardless of testing capacity and availability, and risk their lives. Do I have that right?

So let me get this straight. As the death toll climbs and the CDC predicts the numbers will get much worse, Trump decides to wind down the Coronavirus Task Force, but then changes his mind because, "...I had no idea how popular the task force is until actually yesterday when I started talking about winding down... It is appreciated by the public." So we still have a task force composed of the best epidemiological minds on the planet not because they are vital to finding a vaccine and essential in helping stop the spread, but because they are popular with the public. Do I have that right?

So let me get this straight. In the midst of a mind-blowingly terrible crisis, a time when all hands should be on deck to help guide us through the many twists and turns of everybody getting everything they need in a timely fashion, the Trump administration is taking the time to go to court to get the charges against Mike Flynn, a man who admitted under oath to his crimes, dropped. Do I have that right?

I feel like I could go on and on. And on. But I won't. The Trump administration is nothing if not blatant regarding which battles they are choosing and for whom they are fighting.

I'm horrified, but I think I've got things straight.

Rant over. Thank you for listening.

I Need a Fireside Chat

I need a fireside chat.

I need someone in a position of leadership to sit America down and explain the moment that we are in. The situation, the facts, the ramifications, the consequences.

I really need someone to spell out, in no uncertain terms, the impact that our own individual behaviors has on everyone and everything around us. We all need to know what we each need to do to contribute to our country regaining a semblance of normalcy.

What one person does very hugely impacts many other people.

Who is up to this herculean task? Who is best suited to directly address the country and spell out the sacrifices that we are all going to have to make to have the greatest number of people come out alive on the other side of this pandemic?

I can picture FDR preparing a Fireside Chat for us. I imagine him reflecting on the fact that he has to send brave men and women into battle on the frontline of a deadly virus, and that many of those heroes will not come home. But I also expect that he will be doing everything in his power behind the scenes to lay conditions so that as many as possible will make it out alive.

I want that. I want a leader who knows that yes, lives will be lost, but who also takes concrete, informed actions to be sure that the number of lives lost will be the lowest possible. I would like to hear someone tell me what I can do to contribute my part to the number of lost souls being the lowest possible.

I will wear a mask. I can do that. There is almost nothing I cannot do in a mask that I could do otherwise. That is not a difficult ask.

I will stay home unless there are essential supplies that we need, and if I have to go out, I will do everything in my power to stay six feet away from those with whom I come into contact. This is harder to do, yes. It's surely an inconvenience, and certainly greatly limits my ability to go where I like and do what I want. But I understand. I understand that those warriors in the ER at 3am who haven't seen their families face-to-face for weeks need me to do this so that they have the best chance of having enough life-saving equipment to help those in the direst of circumstances.

They're doing their jobs to save lives. I can do my job to help them.

It's not fun. It's not easy. But I can do it. We all can.

But I think we could all do with an honest reckoning from an honorable leader who believes that all lives are worth saving, not just the ones who agree with him.

We don't need hype.
We need facts.

We don't need excuses.
We need a plan.

We don't need false hope.
We need inspiration.

We need a leader. And we need to listen.

Let Fox Set You Straight

I know it looks bad out there. It seems like the world as we know it will never come back. It's rough.

Do you need some good news? I'm here to help. I know exactly the place you can find it.

Grab your remote! Change the channel from whatever over-hyped nonsense that's currently getting you down to the much more uplifting Fox News!

Social distancing giving you the blues? Turns out you don't have to social distance because, and this was on Fox yesterday, it doesn't work! According to a very unfamiliar alleged scientist who works for absolutely no government agency, as told to a Fox host live-streaming in from her own very isolated home, there's no actual evidence that social distancing helps prevent the spread of Covid19. So relax everyone! There's apparently no reason you can't go out and mingle.

Also, I have one word for you. Hydroxyhloroquin. Yes, it's a big word with  many syllables as well an "x" and "qu" so it's maybe the best Scrabble word ever, but it's also a MIRACLE CURE! Thank you Fox News, with a very special shout-out to Laura Ingraham, for persistently peddling encouraging the use of this extremely potentially deadly and simultaneously ineffective  hopeful remedy.

To bring it all home, to put a bounce in your step and bring you back to your happy-go-lucky pre-pandemic self, the best news of all is that Trump is NOT a narcissistic, uninformed idiot! Fox informed me that Trump, it turns out, has actually saved lives, so many lives, with his very coherent, consistent policies concerning PPE and state closures. I had no idea of this! This makes my heart sing with joy!
Fox let me in on the dirty little secret that Trump's extraordinarily informed decisions have been a model of heroic leadership in a difficult time. Guys! I had NO IDEA things were going this well! How did I not know this? Apparently he's done such a great job that America can now open again safely and get its economy back on track, which, it turns out, is Trump's the biggest priority in all of this. Sure, saving lives would be great, but that's hard. Really hard. And depressing. And it seems like it would involve getting a whole bunch of people tested, which means it would involve finding out how many people actually have Covid19 and that's just some crazy shit. Who wants to know that? That number will NOT make you feel good and if I've learned anything from watching Fox it's that I should be able to feel great about whatever I want to do regardless of how it affects others. That's my right and I shouldn't forget that. I don't know about you, but phew! I feel so much better now! Let's DO THIS America! I'm psyched!

So statistics be damned! (that should be their new catchphrase!)

Let's acknowledge and embrace the incredible job that is being done at the top levels of our federal government. Let's thank them all by doing what Sean Hannity says most Americans (Statistics Be Damned!) want to do. Hannity says that most Americans are "dying to go back to work".

Yes. Yes they are.

I Am a Champagne Cork

What kind of cork are you?

There's a lot going on right now. For everyone. For you. For me. All sorts of different things for different people. Not just Covid. Lots more than just Covid.

Dave presented me with what I think is a brilliant metaphor. It has helped me immensely. I think it can help anyone. Here it is: I am a cork on the ocean.

So start by just picturing that in your head. See the ocean. Now see the cork floating on the ocean. What do you see the cork doing?

It's simply floating on top. If there's a little ripple, the cork bobs up and down with the ripple. If there is a swell, the cork goes up and down with the swell. If there's a big wave, the cork may go under a bit but then pops back up to the surface to continue being buoyed up by the water.

We are the corks.

Tides. Swells. Riptides. Whitecaps. Calm stillness. Gentle lapping. Waves.
They're all different.

Recognize what you can control.

I guess in a nutshell the idea is don't fight what you can't change. There's plenty you can change. And should change. There's plenty you can fight. And should fight. But distinguish what is a purposeful use of your energy from what might be an ineffectual use of your energy. I carefully chose the word ineffectual. It means "not producing any of the desired effect".  It doesn't say "not producing much of the desired effect". Any. Not producing any of the desired effect. Your energy is important. Put it to good use.

I'm riding the Covid wave right now, because there's just not much I can do about a quarantine pandemic. I have more effectual uses for my energy.

So I have decided that I am a champagne cork.

What kind of cork are you?

Random Observations in the Midst of a Pandemic, Part II

Welcome to my second installment of Random Observations in the Midst of a Pandemic.
For your reading pleasure, here are a few more of my arbitrary impressions, listed in order by neither chronological occurrence nor relevance. It's all random. As indicated in the title.

Please, please, for the love of god (literally, I guess), if you are my neighbor and you happen to be a youth minister and it's Sunday and you are giving a sermon, don't make me listen to it. I feel confident there's a volume button somewhere on your computer or in the livestream program that would enable both YOU giving your sermon without shouting it and ME not having to listen to it as I try to enjoy the sunshine in my backyard. Thank you. God bless.

On the day that the quarantine is called off, there is going to be a horrendous sourdough starter genocide, the likes of which we have never seen. (credit to Dave)

Back off, buddy. Just back off. Six feet. I appreciate it. Thanks, man.

The "mute" button on your Zoom screen works GREAT if your husband is going to walk through the house singing during the meeting. Find it. Use it. Also, nobody, and I mean NOBODY, wants to see your husband wandering shirtless in the background. Shut that shit down.

Has the meat shortage hit yet? Dave says there's plenty of everything at our local Bel Air. Great job, everyone, not doing the TP thing with meat. The learning curve is happening! We can do this!

Trump (sorry to bring him up) said in February that we had "only fifteen cases, and those fifteen cases will soon go down to zero!" When a reporter queried him on that a few days ago and pointed out that there are now over a million cases, his response was, and I'm not joking here, "Well they will eventually go down to zero." First of all, how does that man manage to function at all he's such a scissorbill (there are a startlingly large number of synonyms for idiot). Secondly, no, no they won't. The cases will likely not ever go down to zero. Every day that man stuns me with his ever-increasing idiocy.

My parents have a heated pool. I did not know that until two weeks ago. I mean, I knew they had a pool. I'm not a jughead (still having fun with that online thesaurus!) I just didn't know they had the capacity to heat it. How did I not know that? Perhaps because they have ONLY HEATED IT ONCE in the entire decades of having a pool. I think the bigger question might be, WTH? (the H instead of the F out of respect for my lovely parents, to whom that was directed). I'm kidding Mom and Dad. Sort of.

Are boardgames making a comeback because of the quarantine? (Ha! I can hear my kids laughing from here--because they're certainly NOT making a comeback in this house!) My brother ordered the game Clue, which I loved as a kid. Other good choices, if in fact boardgames are making a comeback, might be Parcheesi, Go to the Head of the Class, Sorry! and of course The Uncle Wiggily Game (that one's for you, Dad).

I'm uncertain how I feel about the flyovers for the healthcare workers. I'm 100% certain they deserve every ounce of our gratitude and appreciation. They deserve the nightly 7pm cheers out everyone's windows. They do deserve the flyovers, no question. I'm just thinking that maybe, perhaps, they might appreciate more PPE, and they might appreciate people social distancing and quarantining as recommended to keep them safer. They might appreciate the money it's taking for those flyovers being put to use helping to get adequate testing in place so that they can go home to their families and not have to isolate themselves from the people they love. Just a thought.

Making the bed every day makes me feel like I've started the day with an accomplishment. Low bar. I know.

I saw a tweet (uugghh, did I just type that?) the other day from a man who has taken to incorporating "in these uncertain times" into his parental nagging because it makes him sound simultaneously sympathetic and serious. So it comes out like this: "In these uncertain times, please put the bread away when you're done making a sandwich." THIS. IS. GREAT. Try it. "In these uncertain times, would you please turn the lights off when you leave the room." It's fantastic and works with everything.

I saw the footage of the armed crazies that stormed the Michigan statehouse to demand their "freedom". First of all, if the message they wanted everyone to get was that they would like the restrictions lessened, they missed the mark because all anyone saw was their AK47's, their camouflage attire, and their nazi/confederate paraphanelia. Intended message neither conveyed nor received. Also, Michigan, you need to actually put a law into place that makes it illegal for people to carry guns into your statehouse. That one was on you.

I've just turned on my JBL speaker to drown out the sermon coming from behind the back fence. I'm playing my music at a very respectful low level, but damn if I don't want to blast some Tom Petty over that direction. It did not occur to me to put "you had to listen to your neighbor's sermon" when I made my Quarantine Bingo card.

I'm listening to "Under Pressure" with Freddie Mercury and David Bowie. I love this song. It's quite appropriate to these times. To any times. We are all in this together. We need to care not just for ourselves, but for everyone. Some of the lyrics from the song:

Can't we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can't we give love that one more chance?
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is ourselves
Under pressure

Gonna end there cause now I'm crying damn it. Not sad. Just love the idea that pressure can, if we let it, allow us to become better people, to care more, to see what we've been missing. We can do that.