I Need Longer Arms

I need longer arms.

And they aren’t likely to get longer, so yeah, that’s gonna be a problem.  Because my dilemma is that words are getting smaller.  Not length smaller.  Not syllable-smaller.  Size smaller.  As in height.  Font size.  

The written word is shrinking.  I used to be able to read an ibuprofen bottle.  It was so simple.  Just hold the bottle up in front of my face and read it.  It was that way for everything--the newspaper, mail, my computer screen, my iPhone screen.  All of it clear as a bell, right there in front of my eyes.  I would look, and words would reveal themselves.

And then... one day the words just started getting smaller.  I felt a little like Alice in Wonderland.  It was all shrinking right before me, and there was nothing I could do to make it better.  Except start holding things farther and farther away from me.  My arms are only so long.  

That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.  It’s the words.  It’s not me.  Or my eyes.  

Because if it was me and my eyes, then that would be a sign that I am getting older.  And while, yes, duh, I know I’m getting older, I don’t want to encounter any actual physical signs of my aging.  Like having to hold my iPhone so far away from me to read a text that I had to activate the “large text accessibility” function.  I may or may not have had to do that recently.  It may or may not have really helped a lot.  

Unfortunately, at some point my arms (which, by the way are in direct proportion to my height, which is 5'4", which is a bit on the short side) are not going to be able to outstretch far enough for me to read the correct dosage on the ibuprofen bottle.  Hey, ibuprofen manufacturers, you know that the majority of the people taking your product are doing so because they have a headache, right?  They already aren't feeling top notch.  Possibly they have one of those nasty behind-the-eyeballs aches.  Why not throw people a bone and make your packaging readable?  If you eliminate all the crap you can make the instructions a normal, readable size.  Perhaps you can eliminate the entire section that reads:                                                                            

Stop and consult a doctor if: 

• you experience any of the following signs of stomach bleeding:
  • feel faint
  • vomit blood
  • have bloody or black stools
  • have stomach pain that does not get better
• pain gets worse or lasts more than 10 days
• fever gets worse or lasts more than 3 days
• redness or swelling is present in the painful area
• any new symptoms appear

I mean, really, you have to actually put that on the package?  Isn't that all kind of common sense?  I mean, who would think to themselves, "Hey, I've been taking this medication for three days and it not only doesn't seem to bring my fever down, but my fever is getting worse.  Think I'll keep taking it and hope it starts to work at some point..."?  I say get rid of that section and use the extra room on the bottle to bring the dosage information to a size that does not require ape-like arm length, a magnifying glass, or your kid to read.  

Several people have suggested that, if in fact I cannot get my arms to stretch out to a suitable length, I try “cheaters” reading glasses.  Um, why attack me?  Why do I have to suffer when it’s the words that are the problem?  

And while we're on the subject, grey hair is a sign of increasing intelligence, right?