Guess Who

Ok, America (or at least the six people who read my blog), it's time to play a fun little game I'm calling "Guess Who" (my creativity evidences itself in ways other than naming games, clearly). I'm having such fun writing haikus that I've written a haiku for various Trump administration officials and lackeys supporters and you have to guess who each one is. Extra points to you if you can name each person's actual job title. Also, so you can get a glimpse into my creative process, I am including liner notes for your enjoyment.

Let's begin.

I'm in charge of schools
Your kids are expendable
I'm an idiot

Liner notes: I considered the alternative third line of "Bears attack schools" but didn't want to repeat the word schools twice in one haiku, so I went with the more obvious.

Our second mystery-person haiku has two stanzas because there is just too much to say to try to fit into seventeen syllable, so I'm going with thirty-four.

I was against Trump
I once was respectable
Now I golf with him

I sure changed my tune
Is Trump extorting my ass?
Russian kompromat?

Liner notes: There were so many directions I could have taken with this one. I could have written several more stanzas. But I think you know who I'm talking about so I'll leave it at two.

On to mystery subject number three, who again warrants two stanzas:

I am not confirmed
I send troops into Portland
With no second thoughts

Fifth to hold the job
For seven months, not confirmed
This is illegal

Liner notes: I actually had to look up this person's name because there have been so many in this position under Trump that I lost track. Turns out he's been in office for 257 days.

Our next acolyte:

She has her own facts
She appears then disappears
Project Lincoln spouse

Liner notes: This one is so easy (mostly because there are so few women in the Trump administration). I regret that my absolute disgust with her doesn't quite come through as strongly as I feel it. She warrants extra stanzas, but I just so vehemently abhor her that she only gets one.

Next:

I do Trump's bidding
Bills are stacked up on my desk
They won't get a vote

Liner notes: I wanted to put something in about being a turtle. But I refrained.

A bit more of a challenge, this knucklehead gets three stanzas:

2024
I am setting up my run
Impressing Trump's base

I won't wear a mask
I am opening my state
As the death toll soars

No convention here
But the theme parks can open
I ignore science

Liner notes: A true idiot, I personally think this person represents naked ambition, plain and simple.

Onward:

666 Fifth Ave
Symbolic of who he is
In so many ways

In charge of it all
He's running the whole country
But unelected

A dangerous man
A true shadow president
Draftsman of failure

Liner notes: I was trying to choose words that would intimate evil. I was quite pleased with the term "draftsman"  because it sounds like "horseman" which I associate with the apocalypse. A wee glance into my thinking process there.

A most interesting figure:

First at DHS

Later became Chief of Staff

All honor was lost.

Liner notes: I really wanted to believe this man's military background gave him some honor and that he would be bound to do the right thing. Man, was I off on that one. 

And lastly:

I don't want this job
I really don't care, do you?
Chain migration queen

Liner notes: I was going for apathy here.

The word that sprang to my mind as I re-read these haikus is "henchman". So I looked up the definition of henchman, to see if I was on the right track, and here's what it said : a faithful follower or political supporter, especially one prepared to engage in crime or dishonest practices by way of service.

Nailed it.