It's been almost a year since I've written anything here. Well, I take that back. It's been almost a year since I actually clicked the "publish" button and sent my thoughts from the draft stage to the public consumption stage.
I don't really know why it's been so long. I've sat down to write many times. I've had lots of ideas. But nothing seems to get finished. Midway through it feels like I'm distracted, or can't find an ending, or can't quite see the relevance of the topic. I kind of hit a "What's the point?" moment, and then I end up on Facebook or checking emails.
I couldn't put my finger on why I wasn't, or couldn't, finish any of my thoughts.
It certainly wasn't because I felt like nobody would read them. Olivia has told me numerous times that she checks my blog regularly to see if there's anything new. My mom has commented on more than one occasion that it's been a while since I had a blog entry. Dave has told me that he routinely looks to see if I've added to my posts.
That's almost my entire audience (by my own choice) eagerly anticipating my next move, so no complaints on that end.
So here I am today, April 2, committing myself to push through it. This blog entry WILL be published today. I apologize in advance if it seems unfinished, irrelevant, meandering or pointless. I'm going to press the "publish" button at some point today to see if by doing so I can move forward and start to focus my thoughts again on a regular basis.
Steven's graduation was the topic of my previous post (last May). That was a long time ago.
Since then, he has gone off to UC Berkeley (Go Bears!) and has had a wildly successful year at school. The house is different without him. It's quieter, for the most part due to the lack of the brother/sister wrestling/chasing/screaming events that no longer go on nightly.
Olivia is now a junior with a driver's license. She has a million places to be and a million friends who want to hang out with her, and now that she's had her license for a year she can shuttle herself and her friends everywhere. I was the taxi driver for so long that I looked forward to the day when that wouldn't be my primary daily activity. Careful what you wish for.
Olivia is also starting to think about the college application process (it seems like we literally just did this with Steven…). We are taking a Spring Break road trip down south to see five schools in the Los Angeles area. I am excited to see what sparks this journey will ignite for Olivia. She is a girl who has always worn her heart on her sleeve, and I imagine that actually getting to experience the colleges she has always dreamed of will lead to some exhilarating realizations and enthusiastic conversations that I can't wait to see and be a part of.
I have a Zits cartoon hanging at my desk. In the first four frames, it shows the parents with their small child, reading to him, making him giggle, tucking him into bed and kissing him goodnight. In the fifth frame all you can see is the parents surrounded by a swirl of calendar months. And in the last frame they are looking at their fully grown teenager asleep in bed, and the mom says, "The days are long but the years are short." The dad replies, "And how."
And how.
So a little over a year away from an empty nest.
I'm not feeling quite as prepared for the changes that are barreling my way at the speed of light.
This is going to seem like a drastic change of topic, but stay with me and I promise there's at least a tangential link.
Yesterday Dave and I were watching this show called "How the Universe Works". The narrator was describing black holes, and what it would be like if we could actually get to a black hole. He said that if you were watching something approach a black hole, it would appear to you, the observer, that it would stop on the edge of the black hole (called the Event Horizon). Even after it had gone in, it would still seem to you, watching from the outside, that it was just on the edge, always in your sight, never moving farther away. It would seem like time stood still. And it would stay that way forever to you, the observer.
I'm starting to appreciate black holes.
I realize there is no Event Horizon in life.
I guess really I wouldn't want there to be one, because I can't wait to see those kids keep moving forward, chasing their dreams, failing and succeeding and learning and growing from all that is ahead of them.
I'm sure next year will be a blur. Senior year for Olivia. Steven in his first apartment. Lots to look forward to for these two amazing kids. They are so eager for what's to come. They are so unafraid of independence and new adventures and challenges.
I wish I could bottle that enthusiasm and courage. I would dab a little (maybe a lot) on my wrists every day.
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