Last night at dinner Steven was telling us about what an amazing time he has had this summer at his internship at the Exporatorium. He is enjoying not only the work, which is hectic and varied, but also the responsibility that he has been given by the amazing staff at the Teacher Institute.
As I listened to him describe how great the staff has been to him, I interjected with, "You know what you should do?"
And Olivia jumped right in with, "Write a thank-you note?"
Yes! Yes, that is exactly what he should do! I was so happy that she knew what I was thinking, and I was pleasantly surprised, I guess, too. Because as you parent over the years, you start to wonder if any of what you're sort of throwing out there at your kids is sticking. And it's hard to tell, sometimes. A lot of it, I think, gets batted away, or sort of just hangs out there for years until it either settles onto them like a fine layer of dust or it drifts off, never to be thought of again. It was a really nice feeling to know that not all of it drifts off.
Which got me to thinking. Now that Steven is about to begin his sophomore year at college and Olivia is a senior in high school, I am fastly running out of time to influence my kids. I do realize I've had the last eighteen years. But I'm feeling a bit frenzied right now, and slightly panicked, and more than a little unnerved, at the the idea that my impact regarding daily behavior and ability to provide necessary guidance will not exist. These kids will be out on their own (mostly), moving forward and making choices based on what they've learned throughout their years growing up.
So in the spirit of being a mom, which means never assuming that your kids know what you're thinking and not just saying it to them once, but repeating it over and over and over, here is a list of what I hope "sticks" to my kids after they leave home:
1. Be grateful. Be FULL of gratitude for all of the many big and little things in your life. And share your gratitude. When someone does something nice for you, say thank-you. When someone gives you a gift, write a short but sincere thank-you card. Always.
2. Don't text and drive. EVER. Seriously. EVER.
3. Be helpful. Look for ways to be helpful. Ask if you can help. Hold open a door. Carry a bag of groceries. Run an errand for someone. Make it a habit to offer your help. It's an easy and great way to not only be of service to someone else but also to make yourself feel good, too.
4. Look people in the eyes when you speak to them. It's polite. It shows respect. It keeps you both engaged in the conversation.
5. When you go out with your friends, or when you're at your grandparents' house, or when you're somewhere fun with fun people, don't just put your phone in your pocket. Turn it completely off before you put it in your pocket. Forget about it for a few hours. Get wrapped up in where you are and who you are with. Don't worry about where you aren't and who's doing what without you. You are where you are. Enjoy it!
6. Clean up after yourself. It's no one else's job but yours. Treat it that way.
7. Be on time. Just because you have a cell phone and can call when you're running late does not mean you should run late.
8. Don't talk about people behind their backs. If someone did you wrong, telling other people about it isn't going to help solve the problem. Talk to the person. Explain the situation. Give them a chance to fix it. If they're not going to fix it, then find a way to move forward. But gossip is neither productive nor a solution.
9. Be sympathetic. Be kind. You have no idea what other people are going through. A kind word or a smile can sometimes mean the world to someone in a way you will never know.
10. Laugh. A lot. Surround yourself with people who can make you laugh out loud at the world, at yourself, at anything and everything.
Now, interestingly, at the end of the conversation at the dinner table that prompted me to write this list, Olivia noted that it's not just she and Steven who will be making transitions in the coming years. Next fall, Dave and I will be home alone--empty-nesters--for the first time in twenty years . She started to tell us her thoughts on what she would consider wise counsel.
I believe she started out with, "Be patient with each other."
She's a smart girl. I'm sure that one will stick!
I'd like to hear the rest of her list :)
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