The Breaking Point

What is the breaking point, the tipping point, for good, decent Republicans to stand up and declare that Trump is not a rational, safe leader for our great nation and start the process of removing him from office?

I didn't love George W. Bush. I disagreed with many of his positions and an even greater number of his actions. But I never once doubted that he was a capable leader, making informed choices. I never once doubted that he was acting in what he thought was the truly best interests of the United States.

I have yet to see evidence that our new President is a capable leader making informed choices. And since he will not release his interests and tax returns I have no idea if he is acting in the best interests of the United States or himself.

Donald Trump tweeted this morning that he is looking forward to seeing the "results" from a voter fraud app that he seems certain is going to prove his assertion that three to five million illegal aliens voted fraudulently. The app developer has already proclaimed that he has the evidence to prove these allegations, but in multiple interviews he simultaneously says he hasn't put all the data together yet to see the results. Yet he is certain of the outcome.

That's a big, giant red flag--when you're certain of your results without the actual data to back them up. It loudly screams that you're manipulating your data to your intended outcome instead of allowing the data to determine the outcome.

So back to my initial question. When this guy releases his "findings", if he won't release the data to back it up (or if the data is proven to be false or falsely interpreted), will Trump cling to the findings anyway (if they support his allegations of voter fraud), and will this be a tipping point for lawmakers? When the President of the United States of America boldly declares that proven lies are in fact truth (alternate facts as his campaign is fond of saying), will that be enough cause for our elected representatives on both sides of the aisle to say enough is enough?

We need leaders who are unafraid to speak truth to power. Right now, President Trump holds all the power. That is not how our government is designed.

Assert your Constitutionally-established power, Senators and Representatives. Check his power.

Don't wait for the balance to tip so far that it can't right itself.

Deep Breathing

I'm going to get very good at yoga over the next four years. I'm going to power my way through physical therapy so that I can run again.

Deep breathing. Calm, relaxing mantras. Miles of quiet footfalls. Whatever it takes to reduce the stress that our newly elected leader is generating on what feels like an hourly basis.

What the hell is going on? What have we, as a nation, done? And what are we, as a nation, going to do to stop this madness?

We currently have a leader who does not do anything without a camera present. Every action, big and small, is touted as the best thing that's ever been done. Which to me, seems to diminish the impact of actual great things that might be done. And it causes me to ponder, Is the President able to distinguish the magnitudes of the various actions he is taking, or in his mind are they all the biggest and best? Is he paying attention to not just what he's signing but also to what the ramifications will be? Or are they all just photo opps?

After the election, the left was criticized for "taking Trump literally but not seriously," and the people who voted for him opined that they take him "seriously but not literally."

It turns out, as evidenced by the first five days in office, that everyone should have taken him both literally and seriously. He IS going to stop Muslim refugees from coming into the country and he IS going to actually build a wall on the US/Mexican border. He says he IS going to break NAFTA. He IS repealing healthcare without having an alternative plan in place. He has scrubbed the White House website of all references to climate change and has ordered the EPA to remove all references to climate change from its website. Let me repeat that. He has ordered the ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY to remove links to research and findings regarding climate change. He is reinstating CIA black sites, which is a first step toward reinstating torture. He has muzzled the NIH, the Department of the Interior, and the EPA, prohibiting them from communicating with the press without first clearing it with the White House.

This is just the first five days.

And all this while he is still doubling down, publicly and contentiously and without any evidence that he is willing to provide to the press or public, on his belief that he lost the popular vote due to outlandish and widespread illegal voter fraud.

He's overly concerned with photos showing his inaugural turnout was not as good as Obama's first inauguration. Seriously overly concerned. It's taking up his time and thought process.

Breathe. Breathe again.

And in between breathing we all need to get up and do something to counteract this madness. Not just once. Again and again and again.

And again.

As if our nation depends on it, and depends on us.

Because it does.

Pardon Me, We Can All Hear You (subtitle: Cut That Shit Out Now!)

Hey there--

You probably can't hear me right now, but I'm going to keep talking because I can definitely hear you. You're on your cell phone. You're talking to your friend who wants you to come to her house today. I couldn't quite catch why she wants you to come to her house, but she's worried about you--I did catch that. You told her not to worry about you. You're on your way to another friend's house and you're stopped here, in the Barnes and Noble, because it's raining. It's raining hard, and you're not comfortable driving in the rain, so you just pulled over here in Gilroy--you think you're in Gilroy but you don't actually sound that sure--and ducked into this bookstore to wait out the storm. Lucky thing that you're only going to Monterey, which is not so far away at this point. You're an early-riser on Sundays. You're an early-riser on Sundays. You're an early-riser on Sundays. Yes, you did mention that three times during the conversation. So it's just so fortunate that you were on the road early and got as far as you did before the rain let loose, because as you already said but felt the need to say again you don't really like driving when it's raining.

I could go on. And on.

This conversation, spoken not in the hushed whisper of someone on the phone in a completely inappropriate place but rather in the more-than-audible range of someone unaware that they are on the phone in a completely inappropriate place, lasted over ten minutes. I tried moving to various locations within the store to escape it, but the woman was talking so loudly that there really just wasn't anywhere to go. Have you been in a Barnes and Noble? They're big! That's how loudly she was talking!

I left the store before the conversation ended. I did not say anything to the woman. But in my mind, this is what I wanted to say, ever-so-politely:

"Hey there-- I'm not sure if you realize but I think people can hear both sides of your conversation. I wasn't sure if you wanted it to be private or not, so just wanted to mention it to you in case there was personal information you didn't want others hearing. Sorry to bother you. Have a great day."

And just for ducks, let me tell you what I wanted to say, ever-so-not-politely:

"Hey--cut that shit out. Either go outside to talk on your phone or talk more softly. None of us want or need to hear your conversation. There aren't that many bookstores left and I don't get to them as often as I would like and you're ruining my otherwise peaceful bookstore experience. Cut that shit out NOW!"

And truly, either way, I would have said it in my most sincere voice.

But I didn't. Because even though I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong by hearing her conversation (no one could have avoided it), I just wasn't sure how my attempt at courtesy would be taken--because it was unclear to me whether or not she had any concept of courtesy.

So I chickened out.

Would you have said something? Would it have been okay to have said something? Would it have been rude on my part? Would I have been hailed a hero by the other customers?

So many questions about this, and about our individual behavior within a society. It seems like we should all be able to address one another politely if we have an issue. And if addressed politely, we should be able to respond politely.

And yet... there is enough evidence showing that's not how it's going to go down that issues go unaddressed. Behaviors go unchecked. Fear wins.

How long before it's going to be completely acceptable for people to carry on full-volume conversations on their cell phones at the gym, in the market, in the library, at a table in a lovely restaurant? I'm not saying it doesn't go on now. It does--all the time. But people notice it. It's not widely accepted. It's not the norm.

But norms change.

Where is the line between my rights and the next person's rights? And even if we disagree on that line, can we still have a civil conversation about it when one or both of us might walk away from the discussion on the losing end, so to speak?

Talk amongst yourselves... politely. It's a conversation worth having.

So Let Me Get This Straight...

So let me get this straight...

There are, apparently, undecided voters.
Just to note: today is October 21, 2016. Eighteen days out from the election.
Rumor has it there are, still, undecided voters.
I am baffled. Flummoxed. Completely bewildered.

How, possibly, can anyone be undecided at this point?

If people are undecided as to whether or not they are actually going to cast a vote, I guess I would have more understanding for that than for people who are trying to decide between Trump and Clinton.

Never, I don't think, has there been a deeper chasm between two candidates than this year. I cannot grasp that there might be people out there who just might be swayed from one to the other between now and November 8.

I'm not going to try to hide my preference: I am unashamedly, unabashedly going to proudly vote for Hillary Clinton.

And while I will not pretend to comprehend how so many people can be supporting Donald Trump, what I truly cannot fathom is how so many people can be wavering between voting for Trump or Clinton. There is LITERALLY nothing they have in common. NOTHING!

So if you are an undecided voter in this election, please help me out. I need to know. What might possibly sway you one way or the other?

If you're leaning towards Hillary, would one more woman coming forward to say she's been sexually harassed by Donald do it? Would Donald finding yet another group of people to collectively discriminate against help you make the choice?

If you're leaning towards Donald, would yet another batch of deleted emails leaked by the Russians help you make your decision? Would more questions regarding the ethics of the Clinton Foundation solidify your choice?

Truly, this has been an election cycle that has not brought out the best in anyone.

When this is all over and we at last have a democratically elected leader, and after we have had the peaceful transition of power that should be a reminder to us all of just how fortunate we are to live in this nation, I hope that we all can unite together. On something. On anything.

But before that can happen, people are going to have to make a choice. A serious choice. This is not a reality show. This is our nation's future.

Don't be undecided. Make an informed choice guided by facts (actual facts, not made-up facts) and knowledge and abilities.

Cast your vote for who you think would best represent you, your family, your interests and your future as this nation moves forward domestically and on the world stage.

Take your responsibility to participate in this process seriously. Because apparently not everyone does. And while I think apocalyptic talk of our democracy crashing down is a bit hyperbolic, I do think it is possible that it could slowly erode, every vote not cast weakening its foundation.

Read. Listen. Learn. Choose.

Your right to do all of those things depends upon you exercising your right to vote.

#NEVEREVERTRUMP

I get it. I understand that everyone has different passions, different beliefs. But we're all here together. We have to figure this out together. Problem solving is not done in isolation. Problems are solved by people coming together to recognize the issues and then staying together to compromise and create workable solutions.

Donald Trump is, literally, incapable of doing this. He is, literally, unqualified to become President of the United States.

There.

I said it.

Disagree with me if you like. But you know I'm right. And I'm not someone prone to saying that very often. But I'm right this time. Trump is not a problem-solver in any way, shape or form. He is exacerbating every single aspect of every single problem without adding any meaningful contributions toward solutions.

Trump appeals to people's worst fears. No, strike that. Trump tries to create people's worst fears. That's his strategy. If I had to distill Trump's tactics down, I would describe it via this hypothetical conversation:

Trump: Hey there average American, tell me what could be better for you.
American: Well, I could use more income.
Trump: Of course you could! Those illegals are stealing your wages! And you know what else? They're probably going to kill you or someone you know at some point, which is why we need to keep them out by building a wall. I hear you saying you're afraid of what those foreigners are doing to you and our great country. I'm listening to you.
American: Well, that's not exactly what I said.
Trump: Yes, yes it is! It is exactly what you said! I heard you loud and clear. You said you have no job and you need money and you actually know someone who was killed by an illegal alien.
American: You heard me say that?
Trump: I have extraordinary hearing. No one hears better than me. I can hear things that people don't even say. I can hear things that people have never even thought! But they are saying them, and I am hearing them. And people agree with me. So many people agree with me.
American: Illegal aliens are killing people?
Trump: Hundreds of people have been killed by them! Because we have no way of keeping them out, and Hillary and Obama don't want to keep them out. Just like we don't keep out the terrorists. We are letting them in by the thousands. They're pretending to be refugees probably. No vetting at all. It's criminal. We just open our door and welcome them in and we have no idea who they are.
American: What? I didn't know that. We have no vetting process? That doesn't seem right. That seems dangerous. I don't think that's what we should be doing.
Trump: That's exactly what Hillary Clinton was doing while she was Secretary of State. She and Obama have let in so many terrorists. You're not safe. You're not safe at all and you don't even know it.

I realize that seems a bit exaggerated. But does it? Does it really? Try really hard and see if you can imagine Trump having that exact conversation. On the record. It's actually not a stretch.

I do realize that Hillary Clinton is not the ideal candidate. I'm not really sure that in this day and age an ideal candidate could possibly exist. Jesus Christ himself could be running for office and I'm fairly certain the headlines would be screaming something about his unwed mother and his two fathers. And what exactly was he doing when he disappeared for forty days? Was he in the Middle-East?

You get the idea.

No one's perfect. There's no one person who has all the qualities we need in our complicated world. But let's not undersell ourselves. We are the leader of the free world. We don't need someone who has a basic knowledge of world affairs (and it's arguable that Trump even has that). No, we need someone who has an EXTENSIVE knowledge of world affairs. We need someone who can readily identify where the Crimean Peninsula is, not just someone who admires the leadership qualities of the man who recently orchestrated a hostile takeover of said peninsula.

We need someone who is interested in and able to take in vast quantities of information regarding international affairs, NATO alliances, UN policies, accepted scientific facts, US history, and our Constitution.

Donald Trump is confused about what happened in Crimea, would like to break up NATO, does not think the UN is a useful world body, does not believe in climate change, thinks black citizens have "never ever had it worse in our country" (completely ignoring slavery and the absolute lack of civil rights for generations) and, while he supports the fullest possible exercising of people's Second Amendment rights, thinks Colin Kaepernick is a disgrace for exercising his First Amendment rights.

This cannot be who we want to represent us on our national and international stage.

Do we want a man who refuses to release his tax returns? Tax returns show how you operate your businesses, what monetary and business ties you have with other nations. Tax returns prove whether you have made the charitable contributions you say you have made. Tax returns show whether you are worth what you say you are worth. Tax returns show, most importantly, if you pay taxes.

So Donald Trump, if you want to be President of the United States, prove it. Prove you are who you say you are.

Because so far, all you've given us is bombastic fear-mongering. That works great to create problems. But it will do little to solve them.

When "The West Wing" Won't Come On, Yoga Happens

I'm trying yoga. I'm not flexible or upper-body strong and my balance is not ideal. I'm a runner with tight hamstrings and great cardio stamina. Yoga looks hard. Crazy hard. So basically I'm trying something that I'm pretty sure I'm going to be pretty bad at, at least for a little while. I'm trying something that's going to be challenging and that will push my limits of what I think I can do. Here's how that happened.

The other day I was at the gym on one of the elliptical machines. This in and of itself is problematic for me. I don't really love working out indoors. There's nothing about an elliptical machine that makes me look forward to exercise. There's really nothing mentally challenging about a fifty minute elliptical workout, and even when you bump up the settings the physical challenge is not exactly inspiring. But that's where I have found myself more often than not from seven to eight in the morning for the last two months--at the gym on an elliptical. And that is because I have a running-related muscle injury in my right leg that is preventing me from doing any running. I'm not happy with this situation.

Anyway, last week I was at the gym (again). On the elliptical (again). I went to turn on Netflix on my phone so that I could watch The West Wing (which is how I tolerate being at the gym on the elliptical). Netflix wouldn't come on. There was some sort of network error related to the gym's wifi signal.

Now I realize this was not that big of a deal. I knew it wasn't that big of a deal at the time. But that did not stop my eyes from filling up with tears. It did not stop my breathing from getting rapid and shallow. The fact that this was not a big deal did not stop me from starting to cry (very quietly) right there in the gym on the elliptical machine.

The West Wing is a great show (my favorite of all time), but not having access to it at that particular moment was certainly not a tragedy. It was definitely not a situation that should have induced tears. But it did. Yes there I was, crying on the elliptical at the gym because I couldn't watch my show.

I hate to blame The West Wing (or lack thereof) for my untimely emotional collapse. In reality it had nothing to do with The West Wing or Netflix or really even that damn elliptical.

What really happened was that my frustration with a situation over which I have no control sort of came to a head. I hadn't realized until right then just how much I missed running. Running was (is? will be again?) my outlet--put my headphones on and just go, however long or short a distance felt good. It was time I got to spend inside my head. Time I got to spend outdoors. Time I got to spend singing along to all the songs I like. Time I got to spend setting goals and realizing goals and assessing life. Time to think about my kids and their lives and how excited I am for them. Running was exercise time that I absolutely adored and looked forward to every single time (mostly), and it is what kept me in shape and endlessly enthusiastic about entering various runs--one in Disneyland with my best friend, a few in Sacramento with my older brother, several in San Francisco with Steven. Running is what helped me realize I could do things that, for a very long time, I thought I could never do. It gave me a feeling of dedication and accomplishment. It was part of what made me, me.

To lose that outlet, that sense of identity, was hard. I guess I didn't realize how hard until that moment. That moment when I cried on the elliptical. Yep.

I did pull myself together rather quickly, I must say. I wiped away my tears and turned on my music and ellipticalled (new word) until I felt (only slightly) better.

And then I signed up for yoga.

Same Book, New Chapter

I'm in the midst of a cliche. Which drives me nuts. I've always hated cliches.

Dave is retired. The kids have gone off to college. Everyone is happy. All good.

Which leaves me with... what feels like no identity and a chasm of time to fill. 

For twenty-four years I've been Dave's wife. For twenty-one years I've been Steven and Olivia's mom. And I've enjoyed every single minute of those identities. I wouldn't change a thing (well, okay, maybe a few things, but you know what I mean). 

When I woke up in the morning, I used to have a plan, or at least what could pass as a plan. Dave would kiss me good-bye as he left in the dark of the early morning. A bit later I would get up and get going on breakfast and lunches for the kids. Eventually they would appear downstairs, eat, and head off to school. 

The day would then be mine, but it wasn't, really. It was filled with all of the activities of a stay-at-home mom and a housewife. Maybe a run in the morning and grocery shopping. Cleaning up the kitchen. A load of laundry. Volunteering at the kids' school. Paying bills and taking care of household stuff. 

Nothing fancy. Nothing that would necessarily sound exciting. But I looked forward to every day. Every day had a direction and a purpose, and every day was full of the parts of life that made me feel like I was in my element--I felt very accomplished being a wife and mom. I was good at it and I genuinely enjoyed trying to juggle all the moving parts.

And then BOOM! Steven graduated and moved away to college. 

It was an adjustment, but there was still so much to do for Olivia and Dave that even though having Steven leave home felt like I got body-slammed, I was keenly aware that there was still stuff that needed to get done, and I was the one that was going to get it done. Each day still had specific purpose. Goals could be set and worked toward and met. I still had a job I loved and looked forward to every single day.

And then what felt like a nanosecond later BOOM! Dave retired and Olivia graduated and moved away to college. It felt like a gut punch. It was like having the wind knocked out of me.

In the big picture, all good things. We all worked very hard toward all of these events. They were a long time in the making and highly anticipated, eagerly awaited. None of this should have, or quite frankly, did, surprise me. 

But it did feel like having the wind knocked out of me.

It just hit me so suddenly, the reality that everything I ever have been was tied to what I did as a wife and a mom; my entire sense of self didn’t actually have much to do with me at all.  

I am not complaining about that. This was all of my own making. I would not do it differently. I loved it. It was absolutely who I wanted to be, what I wanted to do. And I did it well.

I know I'm still a wife and a mom. But those two roles are hugely supportive in nature. And when the support is no longer needed in the same daily capacity then yes, I'm still a wife and mom but the time and energy needed to fulfill those roles lessens considerably. Some days it feels like it's completely disappeared.

The sense of loss is palpable. 

It leaves me wandering the house, trying to figure out what to do.

When there was a full household to run, there was a sense of urgency to the daily activities. Shit needed to happen! Dinner needed to get cooked. Clothes needed to get put away. College applications needed to be reviewed. Activities needed to be put on the calendar. Deadlines had to be met. 

The urgency is gone, I guess. What's my job at this point? Am I supposed to replace the constant mothering that went on for two decades with something else? Is there anything to substitute in for the supportive wife role once the husband no longer comes home from a job with concerns, worries, and stories of interesting students and long days?

It seems like this would be a revelation. I want it to be one. I want to be that woman who looks at all of this as the long-awaited opportunity to run headfirst into becoming whoever she wants. I want to be the person who embraces the chance to begin a new chapter, who optimistically begins rewriting her character based solely on the person she wants to become instead of on who she has been. 

I have not figured out how to be that woman, that person. That's my stumbling block. I feel so bound to who I have been that I'm not even sure where to begin with the idea that I could become someone else. 

And there's a certain sense of guilt in the idea of becoming someone else, of redirecting my priorities, my emotions, my purpose. I loved having my husband and my kids as the center of my life. I never felt an ounce of guilt or regret about that. Ever. 

I was at my best as a stay-at-home wife and mom. I loved it. I excelled at it. 

I'm not sure I'm ever going to be as good at anything else. It’s a little daunting.

But that’s okay. I think I’m an optimist at heart, and out there, somewhere, is something (or things) that will catch my interest (some compelling shit that needs to happen!). Maybe I’ll learn Italian and go to Italy to speak with Italian people. Or maybe I’ll volunteer for a political campaign. Or be a docent at a museum. 

A new chapter is beginning. Unknown adventure awaits the main character...