Thank You Notes and More...

Last night at dinner Steven was telling us about what an amazing time he has had this summer at his internship at the Exporatorium.  He is enjoying not only the work, which is hectic and varied, but also the responsibility that he has been given by the amazing staff at the Teacher Institute.

As I listened to him describe how great the staff has been to him, I interjected with, "You know what you should do?"

And Olivia jumped right in with, "Write a thank-you note?"

Yes!  Yes, that is exactly what he should do!  I was so happy that she knew what I was thinking, and I was pleasantly surprised, I guess, too.  Because  as you parent over the years, you start to wonder if any of what you're sort of throwing out there at your kids is sticking.  And it's hard to tell, sometimes.  A lot of it, I think, gets batted away, or sort of just hangs out there for years until it either settles onto them like a fine layer of dust or it drifts off, never to be thought of again.  It was a really nice feeling to know that not all of it drifts off.

Which got me to thinking.  Now that Steven is about to begin his sophomore year at college and Olivia is a senior in high school, I am fastly running out of time to influence my kids.  I do realize I've had the last eighteen years.  But I'm feeling a bit frenzied right now, and slightly panicked, and more than a little unnerved, at the the idea that my impact regarding daily behavior and  ability to provide necessary guidance will not exist. These kids will be out on their own (mostly), moving forward and making choices based on what they've learned throughout their years growing up.

So in the spirit of being a mom, which means never assuming that your kids know what you're thinking and not just saying it to them once, but repeating it over and over and over, here is a list of what I hope "sticks" to my kids after they leave home:

1. Be grateful.  Be FULL of gratitude for all of the many big and little things in your life.  And share your gratitude.  When someone does something nice for you, say thank-you.  When someone gives you a gift, write a short but sincere thank-you card.  Always.

2. Don't text and drive.  EVER.  Seriously.  EVER.

3. Be helpful.  Look for ways to be helpful.  Ask if you can help.  Hold open a door.  Carry a bag of groceries.  Run an errand for someone.  Make it a habit to offer your help.  It's an easy and great way to not only be of service to someone else but also to make yourself feel good, too.

4. Look people in the eyes when you speak to them.  It's polite.  It shows respect.  It keeps you both engaged in the conversation.

5. When you go out with your friends, or when you're at your grandparents' house, or when you're somewhere fun with fun people, don't just put your phone in your pocket.  Turn it completely off before you put it in your pocket.  Forget about it for a few hours.  Get wrapped up in where you are and who you are with.  Don't worry about where you aren't and who's doing what without you.  You are where you are.  Enjoy it!

6. Clean up after yourself.  It's no one else's job but yours.  Treat it that way.

7.  Be on time.  Just because you have a cell phone and can call when you're running late does not mean you should run late.

8.  Don't talk about people behind their backs.  If someone did you wrong, telling other people about it isn't going to help solve the problem.  Talk to the person.  Explain the situation.  Give them a chance to fix it.  If they're not going to fix it, then find a way to move forward.  But gossip is neither productive nor a solution.

9.  Be sympathetic.  Be kind.  You have no idea what other people are going through.  A kind word or a smile can sometimes mean the world to someone in a way you will never know.

10.  Laugh.  A lot.  Surround yourself with people who can make you laugh out loud at the world, at yourself, at anything and everything.

Now, interestingly, at the end of the conversation at the dinner table that prompted me to write this list, Olivia noted that it's not just she and Steven who will be making transitions in the coming years.  Next fall, Dave and I will be home alone--empty-nesters--for the first time in twenty years .  She started to tell us her thoughts on what she would consider wise counsel.

I believe she started out with, "Be patient with each other."

She's a smart girl.  I'm sure that one will stick!

I'd like to hear the rest of her list :)

On Black Holes and Event Horizons

It's been almost a year since I've written anything here.  Well, I take that back.  It's been almost a year since I actually clicked the "publish" button and sent my thoughts from the draft stage to the public consumption stage.

I don't really know why it's been so long.  I've sat down to write many times.  I've had lots of ideas.  But nothing seems to get finished.  Midway through it feels like I'm distracted, or can't find an ending, or can't quite see the relevance of the topic.  I kind of hit a "What's the point?" moment, and then I end up on Facebook or checking emails.

I couldn't put my finger on why I wasn't, or couldn't, finish any of my thoughts.

It certainly wasn't because I felt like nobody would read them.  Olivia has told me numerous times that she checks my blog regularly to see if there's anything new.  My mom has commented on more than one occasion that it's been a while since I had a blog entry.  Dave has told me that he routinely looks to see if I've added to my posts.

That's almost my entire audience (by my own choice) eagerly anticipating my next move, so no complaints on that end.

So here I am today, April 2, committing myself to push through it.  This blog entry WILL be published today.  I apologize in advance if it seems unfinished, irrelevant, meandering or pointless.  I'm going to press the "publish" button at some point today to see if by doing so I can move forward and start to focus my thoughts again on a regular basis.

Steven's graduation was the topic of my previous post (last May).  That was a long time ago.

Since then, he has gone off to UC Berkeley (Go Bears!) and has had a wildly successful year at school.  The house is different without him.  It's quieter, for the most part due to the lack of the brother/sister wrestling/chasing/screaming events that no longer go on nightly.

Olivia is now a junior with a driver's license.  She has a million places to be and a million friends who want to hang out with her, and now that she's had her license for a year she can shuttle herself and her friends everywhere.  I was the taxi driver for so long that I looked forward to the day when that wouldn't be my primary daily activity.  Careful what you wish for.

Olivia is also starting to think about the college application process (it seems like we literally just did this with Steven…).  We are taking a Spring Break road trip down south to see five schools in the Los Angeles area.  I am excited to see what sparks this journey will ignite for Olivia.  She is a girl who has always worn her heart on her sleeve, and I imagine that actually getting to experience the colleges she has always dreamed of will lead to some exhilarating realizations and enthusiastic conversations that I can't wait to see and be a part of.

I have a Zits cartoon hanging at my desk.  In the first four frames, it shows the parents with their small child, reading to him, making him giggle, tucking him into bed and kissing him goodnight.  In the fifth frame all you can see is the parents surrounded by a swirl of calendar months.  And in the last frame they are looking at their fully grown teenager asleep in bed, and the mom says, "The days are long but the years are short."  The dad replies, "And how."

And how.

So a little over a year away from an empty nest.

I'm not feeling quite as prepared for the changes that are barreling my way at the speed of light.

This is going to seem like a drastic change of topic, but stay with me and I promise there's at least a tangential link.

Yesterday Dave and I were watching this show called "How the Universe Works".  The narrator was describing black holes, and what it would be like if we could actually get to a black hole.  He said that if you were watching something approach a black hole, it would appear to you, the observer, that it would stop on the edge of the black hole (called the Event Horizon).  Even after it had gone in, it would still seem to you, watching from the outside, that it was just on the edge, always in your sight, never moving farther away.  It would seem like time stood still.  And it would stay that way forever to you, the observer.

I'm starting to appreciate black holes.

I realize there is no Event Horizon in life.

I guess really I wouldn't want there to be one, because I can't wait to see those kids keep moving forward, chasing their dreams, failing and succeeding and learning and growing from all that is ahead of them.

I'm sure next year will be a blur.  Senior year for Olivia.  Steven in his first apartment.  Lots to look forward to for these two amazing kids.  They are so eager for what's to come.  They are so unafraid of independence and new adventures and challenges.

I wish I could bottle that enthusiasm and courage.  I would dab a little (maybe a lot) on my wrists every day.