You know, kind of.
But I'll take it any way it's delivered.
Pitchers can't spit on the ball? WHY were they ever allowed to do that anyway? Gross!
No chewing sunflower seeds and spitting the shells all over the dugout floor? See above.
No high fives? They all happily (often without any clear reason) pat each others' butts, so I don't think that'll be a problem.
Can't throw the ball around the infield after an out? Bummer. But ok. Not a biggie.
No dugout-clearing brawls after a smack-talking player gets hit square in the ribs for a second time? Good luck with that.
I just wanna see the game get played. So Thursday night was on my calendar. Giants v. Dodgers in LA. One of the biggest rivalries in baseball. Fun stuff. And it was! Mostly.
The game itself was a bit of a train wreck for the Giants (that sentence typed itself!). But it was great to root for batters and cheer good plays and watch Pablo chase down home plate to score, in all of his beer-truck out of control glory.
The baseball was fun to watch. Listening to ESPN call the game (and I use the term loosely when referencing ESPN's work) is torture. And I'm a Giants fan. I know what torture is. ESPN nails it.
The thing is, they don't really call the game. They just chat. About whatever baseball-related topic is on their minds. There is a game on the screen. Things are happening. But they only call the game when they happen to remember there's a game going on.
Additionally (there's my well-placed transition, thank-you English teachers), the ESPN announcers are national people--they aren't affiliated with any team or market. So they know nothing about the players in the game. Somewhere between John Miller (who knows FAR TOO MUCH about every player who has EVER played the game and isn't afraid to assault you with his knowledge) and the ESPN guys is a happy medium. Their names are Kruk and Kuip.
I don't think it's too much to ask that whoever calls the game (1) actually watches the game as it's going on and (2) knows something about the stats and background of the players in the game being called.
My answer to all of this is to not have ESPN be the only available option for games. There should always be a local market carrying the game with announcers who know the team. If I were the MLB commissioner, I would work to make that happen. Because NO ONE CAN GO TO GAMES! At least give us the enjoyment of hearing the game called as if we were there.
Come on, MLB. If you can arrange for players to be in a bubble, you can arrange local markets. Do it for the fans. We're here. It's only 60 games.
As Nike (now on ALL uniforms in a visible manner, which is a whole other blog coming your way soon) would say, Just Do It!
Friday, July 24, 2020
Tuesday, July 21, 2020
And Still More Random Observations (still in the midst of a pandemic)
I just learned that it's "mourning" dove, not "morning" dove. This now makes me sad. I seriously always thought that the beautiful cooing noises the gentle doves make were sort of a "good morning" sound. The light bulb has shattered.
If you drive through Jack in the Box and you order a diet Dr. Pepper and they give you a diet Coke, get back in the drive through and get thee what you ordered. Not ok, and especially not ok MORE THAN ONCE! Pull it together JITB!
If you watch The West Wing, keep your dictionary handy. That is some elevated writing.
Also, it's way more fun to actually look words up in a real dictionary than it is to look them up online. At least for me.
I know Bon Appétit is going through a (well-deserved) shake-up, but I have never seen an issue of a magazine with more white space than the August issue. I like it. It's just really different.
Also, while we're on Bon Appétit, I don't want sesame seeds in my peach cobbler.
Kites (the birds) make a very prehistoric noise. It's cool. And kinda scary. They may be planning an attack on our house.
Whoever told companies (I'm talking to you Allstate and TurboTax) that repeating a phrase ten times in a 30 second commercial was a good idea and that people would just love it should be tarred and feathered. Sweet Jesus that's annoying.
Yesterday, Steve Schmidt called Mitch McConnell's outfit "sartorial Chernobyl". I'm all about the language and that metaphor is brilliant. Well done, sir.
Stand firm, Liz Cheney! Now there are some words I never thought I would write, much less think, but I very much respect her defense of Dr. Fauci and I would like to see it continue. Matt Gaetz is a j-hole (I did expect to write and think that).
I love Karl. I do not really understand why the Bay Area fog is called Karl (something about a movie and a mythical giant character), but I love the idea. And I love Karl.
Baseball is back! Oh joy of joys! It turns out I do not care that no one is sitting in the stands. I just want to watch the game and be lulled into a serene sense of normalcy by the dulcet tones of Duane Kuiper and the endearing nerdiness of Mike Krukow.
If you drive through Jack in the Box and you order a diet Dr. Pepper and they give you a diet Coke, get back in the drive through and get thee what you ordered. Not ok, and especially not ok MORE THAN ONCE! Pull it together JITB!
If you watch The West Wing, keep your dictionary handy. That is some elevated writing.
Also, it's way more fun to actually look words up in a real dictionary than it is to look them up online. At least for me.
I know Bon Appétit is going through a (well-deserved) shake-up, but I have never seen an issue of a magazine with more white space than the August issue. I like it. It's just really different.
Also, while we're on Bon Appétit, I don't want sesame seeds in my peach cobbler.
Kites (the birds) make a very prehistoric noise. It's cool. And kinda scary. They may be planning an attack on our house.
Whoever told companies (I'm talking to you Allstate and TurboTax) that repeating a phrase ten times in a 30 second commercial was a good idea and that people would just love it should be tarred and feathered. Sweet Jesus that's annoying.
Yesterday, Steve Schmidt called Mitch McConnell's outfit "sartorial Chernobyl". I'm all about the language and that metaphor is brilliant. Well done, sir.
Stand firm, Liz Cheney! Now there are some words I never thought I would write, much less think, but I very much respect her defense of Dr. Fauci and I would like to see it continue. Matt Gaetz is a j-hole (I did expect to write and think that).
I love Karl. I do not really understand why the Bay Area fog is called Karl (something about a movie and a mythical giant character), but I love the idea. And I love Karl.
Baseball is back! Oh joy of joys! It turns out I do not care that no one is sitting in the stands. I just want to watch the game and be lulled into a serene sense of normalcy by the dulcet tones of Duane Kuiper and the endearing nerdiness of Mike Krukow.
Monday, July 13, 2020
Ode to Dr. Fauci
Just kidding. I actually had to look up what an ode technically was. I had a vague idea, and I was sort of right, but not writing an ode. Too intimidating.
I do think, however, that Dr. Fauci deserves some love. So haiku it is! Everyone loves a haiku. And I'm going with MULTIPLE haikus! I like Dr. Fauci, so this should be fun.
After the haikus, I move on to the second grade staple of writing Dr. Fauci's name down the side of the post and using the letters of his name to say great things about him. I think he deserves this classic form of appreciation.
Ok, here we go...
Poor Dr. Fauci
Under appreciated
Trump is just stupid (sorry, got off track there)
Our task force leader
Epidemiologist (hey! seven syllables--that worked out perfectly!)
Extraordinary (this is really just falling into place)
What is happening?
Why is Trump sidelining him?
Trump is just stupid (this is a common poet's technique, repeating a refrain, for emphasis)
Fauci speaks the truth
This is not so popular
With the uninformed
Thank you, kind doctor
For speaking truth to power
To stupid Donald (see what I did there? It's not an exact repeat, but the same idea, for emphasis)
Doing the right thing
Risking his own job
Frequently contradicting the president
Always trying to do so tactfully, but honestly
Understands the science behind contagious viruses
Can clearly explain why people should be wearing masks
Is an American treasure
I do think, however, that Dr. Fauci deserves some love. So haiku it is! Everyone loves a haiku. And I'm going with MULTIPLE haikus! I like Dr. Fauci, so this should be fun.
After the haikus, I move on to the second grade staple of writing Dr. Fauci's name down the side of the post and using the letters of his name to say great things about him. I think he deserves this classic form of appreciation.
Ok, here we go...
Poor Dr. Fauci
Under appreciated
Trump is just stupid (sorry, got off track there)
Our task force leader
Epidemiologist (hey! seven syllables--that worked out perfectly!)
Extraordinary (this is really just falling into place)
What is happening?
Why is Trump sidelining him?
Trump is just stupid (this is a common poet's technique, repeating a refrain, for emphasis)
Fauci speaks the truth
This is not so popular
With the uninformed
Thank you, kind doctor
For speaking truth to power
To stupid Donald (see what I did there? It's not an exact repeat, but the same idea, for emphasis)
Doing the right thing
Risking his own job
Frequently contradicting the president
Always trying to do so tactfully, but honestly
Understands the science behind contagious viruses
Can clearly explain why people should be wearing masks
Is an American treasure
Sunday, July 12, 2020
Navigation
Everyone has a compass. Not a literal compass. A compass in our mind, giving direction to our daily existence.
And we are each, individually, in charge of how we use our compasses. When and where we choose to point them to get our bearings. Whether we pay attention to what they tell us. We are in control of our own navigation.
My compass doesn't so much read NSEW. My cardinal directions are Optimism/Action/Education/Perspective. Betwixt those cardinal directions are any number of ordinals (I know there are really only four ordinals on a compass but this is my compass so I get to have as many as I want). Somewhere between Optimism and Perspective my compass occasionally points me toward PittyParty. Or sometimes Pessimism. Oftentimes Gratitude. It's directed me toward Support, also Frustration. More often than I'd like to admit it points to ScreamattheTVbecauseTrumpisanAss (I try not to go in that direction for long periods of time). And I will admit that my personal compass has, though very seldomly, pointed toward FuckThisShit (as in, this is too much!). But in its defense, it's also pointed me toward FuckThisShit (as in, hell no I'm not going to just let this happen I'm heading back toward Action!). Compasses have balance.
The thing is, I am the one holding my compass. I am the one who can slightly pivot and take a new reading. At any time. In any situation. I am the navigator, at the helm of my life. I cannot control certain aspects of what's happening in life, but I am fully and solely in a position to choose my own response.
And my ordinals are Optimism, Action, Education, and Perspective. It's on me to point myself in the right direction.
And we are each, individually, in charge of how we use our compasses. When and where we choose to point them to get our bearings. Whether we pay attention to what they tell us. We are in control of our own navigation.
My compass doesn't so much read NSEW. My cardinal directions are Optimism/Action/Education/Perspective. Betwixt those cardinal directions are any number of ordinals (I know there are really only four ordinals on a compass but this is my compass so I get to have as many as I want). Somewhere between Optimism and Perspective my compass occasionally points me toward PittyParty. Or sometimes Pessimism. Oftentimes Gratitude. It's directed me toward Support, also Frustration. More often than I'd like to admit it points to ScreamattheTVbecauseTrumpisanAss (I try not to go in that direction for long periods of time). And I will admit that my personal compass has, though very seldomly, pointed toward FuckThisShit (as in, this is too much!). But in its defense, it's also pointed me toward FuckThisShit (as in, hell no I'm not going to just let this happen I'm heading back toward Action!). Compasses have balance.
The thing is, I am the one holding my compass. I am the one who can slightly pivot and take a new reading. At any time. In any situation. I am the navigator, at the helm of my life. I cannot control certain aspects of what's happening in life, but I am fully and solely in a position to choose my own response.
And my ordinals are Optimism, Action, Education, and Perspective. It's on me to point myself in the right direction.
This Isn't Going as Great as You Think It Is
"I couldn't be more proud of our nation's response to the corona virus pandemic."
--Vice-President Mike Pence, July 1
Really. Really? Really?!?!
Because there are any number of ways I could be more proud of our nation's response:
--if Trump had bothered to consult epidemiologists upon hearing of the virus' initial emergence
--if Trump had listened to medical experts at any point during this crisis
--If the federal government had enacted federal safety guidelines to keep people safer
--if masks had not been politicized and demeaned by Republican leadership
--if protesters would have worn masks while fighting for their very worthy causes
--if people would actually stay at home, following stay-at-home orders
--if states would have actually met CDC re-opening guidelines before re-opening
--if every.single.governor would have simply advised their populations to wear masks
--if more Americans would at least pretend to care about vulnerable populations
--if Kayleigh McEneny would stop wearing sundresses and dress more like CJ Cregg
--if Trump would, just once, tell America that wearing a mask saves lives
--if Congress would authorize recurring subsistence payments to out-of-work Americans
--if young people would stop thinking they're invincible and start realizing they're carriers
--if we let science dictate our health policy, instead of politics
I could go on. And on. I'm really not sure what Mike Pence is proud of. We are not winning battles. We are certainly not winning the war.
Essential and frontline workers,
healthcare workers, who are in a category all their own in terms of hero status,
the greatest generation,
everyone who is putting the safety of others first by following difficult guidelines,
deserve better.
--Vice-President Mike Pence, July 1
Really. Really? Really?!?!
Because there are any number of ways I could be more proud of our nation's response:
--if Trump had bothered to consult epidemiologists upon hearing of the virus' initial emergence
--if Trump had listened to medical experts at any point during this crisis
--If the federal government had enacted federal safety guidelines to keep people safer
--if masks had not been politicized and demeaned by Republican leadership
--if protesters would have worn masks while fighting for their very worthy causes
--if people would actually stay at home, following stay-at-home orders
--if states would have actually met CDC re-opening guidelines before re-opening
--if every.single.governor would have simply advised their populations to wear masks
--if more Americans would at least pretend to care about vulnerable populations
--if Kayleigh McEneny would stop wearing sundresses and dress more like CJ Cregg
--if Trump would, just once, tell America that wearing a mask saves lives
--if Congress would authorize recurring subsistence payments to out-of-work Americans
--if young people would stop thinking they're invincible and start realizing they're carriers
--if we let science dictate our health policy, instead of politics
I could go on. And on. I'm really not sure what Mike Pence is proud of. We are not winning battles. We are certainly not winning the war.
Essential and frontline workers,
healthcare workers, who are in a category all their own in terms of hero status,
the greatest generation,
everyone who is putting the safety of others first by following difficult guidelines,
deserve better.
Sunday, June 28, 2020
The Launch Party
There are a myriad of celebrations that we share with our family and friends. Birthdays. Anniversaries. Retirements. Marriages. Quinciñeras. Bar/Bat Mitzvahs. Births. Graduations.
All of the parties that accompany these many commemorations are, generally, thrown by family or friends for the person/people being fêted. Rarely do we throw our own bash.
I have a brand new shebang to add to the list.
It's a Launch Party. As in you are launching your kid out into the adult world and celebrating your own newfound freedom.
Parents throw it for themselves.
Parents throw it for themselves.
This is no debutante ball. Because first of all, ick. Second of all, parading around in a large white gown does nothing to denote how ready you are for the world except to say that yes, you might indeed look good in a wedding dress. Double ick on the visual messaging, debutante people.
No no. The Launch Party (patent pending) is a parental celebration, the basis of which is to tell your family and friends, "Hey! My kid is officially out of the house. I'm going to turn my kid's room into a home gym, cut off the health insurance AND take 'em off our phone bill! We're going to save thousands and with this extra infusion of cash we are going to finally remodel our master bathroom!"
Or, you know, tailor it to your own specifications.
Or, you know, tailor it to your own specifications.
You can register your Launch Party (patent pending) at Target or Bed Bath and Beyond or, if you're classy, Crate & Barrel. You ARE remodeling your bathroom, so what will you need? Some new towels? Some new sink accessories? Or maybe a sleek electronic scale or some yoga mats for your new home gym? The possibilities are endless, plus it's just super fun to walk around with that little barcode beeper creating your registry.
You deserve this!
I'm picturing possible themes for your Launch Party. Perhaps you go with the obvious rocket blasting in an upward trajectory. Positive. Encouraging. Nice. If not a little lacking in cleverness.
Or maybe you go with a boat theme (because boats are launched, right?), and your boat is a yacht because yes, you are launching your kid but also you are launching yourself into a new life and why shouldn't that new life be represented by a 40 foot luxury marine investment? This is a good theme. It's confident. It says you're ready to begin something new and very expensive but you get to spend the money on YOU. Also the party decoration ideas are endless. Everyone gets to wear a captain's hat! You can afford all those hats just with the money you saved not paying your kids' Uber charges for a month (yes, you are cutting off their access to your Uber account).
I think it's long overdue that it be okay to throw yourself a party to celebrate a milestone event, and what's more milestone than not just your kids achieving independence, but you achieving independence? It's a double-whammy.
You spent decades throwing parties for others. A LOT of parties for others. Treat yourself to a little something for you. Pop the champagne, send out the Launch Party invites to family and friends, and be the envy of EVERYONE for making this bold move.
You deserve this!
I'm picturing possible themes for your Launch Party. Perhaps you go with the obvious rocket blasting in an upward trajectory. Positive. Encouraging. Nice. If not a little lacking in cleverness.
Or maybe you go with a boat theme (because boats are launched, right?), and your boat is a yacht because yes, you are launching your kid but also you are launching yourself into a new life and why shouldn't that new life be represented by a 40 foot luxury marine investment? This is a good theme. It's confident. It says you're ready to begin something new and very expensive but you get to spend the money on YOU. Also the party decoration ideas are endless. Everyone gets to wear a captain's hat! You can afford all those hats just with the money you saved not paying your kids' Uber charges for a month (yes, you are cutting off their access to your Uber account).
I think it's long overdue that it be okay to throw yourself a party to celebrate a milestone event, and what's more milestone than not just your kids achieving independence, but you achieving independence? It's a double-whammy.
You spent decades throwing parties for others. A LOT of parties for others. Treat yourself to a little something for you. Pop the champagne, send out the Launch Party invites to family and friends, and be the envy of EVERYONE for making this bold move.
Dream Jobs
At one time I dreamed of being a Washington D.C. journalist. The host of Meet the Press perhaps. MSNBC's Road Warriors--those five intrepid bad-ass female reporters during the first Trump campaign--I wanted to be one of them.
I've also wanted, in more recent times, to be a travel blogger. Because travel. And writing. And food.
I'd like to host a cooking show. I wouldn't be good at it. I'd actually be really, really bad at it. But it would be fun. And it would be funny. And you would laugh and probably enjoy my stories about the food I'm making while simultaneously enjoying the idiot I'd be making out of myself on camera.
A book reviewer! Imagine being paid to read novels. And then tell people what you think. I mean COME ON! What's not dream-job about THAT?
I used to think I'd love being a movie reviewer, a la Siskel and Ebert. But that might just take the joy out of movies for me. I immensely enjoy the movie theatre experience. I love the big comfy seats. I enjoy the previews. A giant bucket of buttered popcorn is non-negotiable. I don't think I would really want to take a notepad with me. I also don't want to actively look for flaws in movies. I know they're there. You know they're there. But that's not what I want my focus to be. I just want to watch the movie, I guess. So I'll cross that one off the list.
One time I got to (because I asked!) collect the trash on a Southwest flight, so technically I guess I have been a flight attendant. It was pretty fun. I'll check that one off the list.
I've taken a few walking food tours and walking history tours in various cities, and I think I would have a lot of fun guiding those. Probably more so the walking history tours. I noticed on the food tours the guides don't actually eat most of the foods. I want to eat ALL of the foods. So yeah, I'll stick to guiding the historical walks and just continue to be a customer on the food walks.
I think being a bartender would be fun (for a few hours). I have a really, really (I mean REALLY) bad memory, so I would be really, really (I mean REALLY) bad at taking multiple drink orders, getting the drinks actually correct, and then delivering them to the actual people who ordered them. So bartending would be fun for me but probably not so fun for the people waiting for their drinks.
I'd like to be the counter help at a tiny little bakery where everything is made in-house. How great it would be to watch people pick out delicious pastries and breads and then send them off on their way to enjoy them? That would be a joyful job I think.
I'd love to try acting. It looks fun. And hard. Not sure I could memorize the lines. But it looks like a great challenge. Performing on Broadway would be just beyond amazing, right? Or performing Sorkin in any setting.
Just my random thoughts on jobs that sound intriguing. No greater point to be made. The end.
I've also wanted, in more recent times, to be a travel blogger. Because travel. And writing. And food.
I'd like to host a cooking show. I wouldn't be good at it. I'd actually be really, really bad at it. But it would be fun. And it would be funny. And you would laugh and probably enjoy my stories about the food I'm making while simultaneously enjoying the idiot I'd be making out of myself on camera.
A book reviewer! Imagine being paid to read novels. And then tell people what you think. I mean COME ON! What's not dream-job about THAT?
I used to think I'd love being a movie reviewer, a la Siskel and Ebert. But that might just take the joy out of movies for me. I immensely enjoy the movie theatre experience. I love the big comfy seats. I enjoy the previews. A giant bucket of buttered popcorn is non-negotiable. I don't think I would really want to take a notepad with me. I also don't want to actively look for flaws in movies. I know they're there. You know they're there. But that's not what I want my focus to be. I just want to watch the movie, I guess. So I'll cross that one off the list.
One time I got to (because I asked!) collect the trash on a Southwest flight, so technically I guess I have been a flight attendant. It was pretty fun. I'll check that one off the list.
I've taken a few walking food tours and walking history tours in various cities, and I think I would have a lot of fun guiding those. Probably more so the walking history tours. I noticed on the food tours the guides don't actually eat most of the foods. I want to eat ALL of the foods. So yeah, I'll stick to guiding the historical walks and just continue to be a customer on the food walks.
I think being a bartender would be fun (for a few hours). I have a really, really (I mean REALLY) bad memory, so I would be really, really (I mean REALLY) bad at taking multiple drink orders, getting the drinks actually correct, and then delivering them to the actual people who ordered them. So bartending would be fun for me but probably not so fun for the people waiting for their drinks.
I'd like to be the counter help at a tiny little bakery where everything is made in-house. How great it would be to watch people pick out delicious pastries and breads and then send them off on their way to enjoy them? That would be a joyful job I think.
I'd love to try acting. It looks fun. And hard. Not sure I could memorize the lines. But it looks like a great challenge. Performing on Broadway would be just beyond amazing, right? Or performing Sorkin in any setting.
Just my random thoughts on jobs that sound intriguing. No greater point to be made. The end.
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