The Rhubarb Dilemma

I find myself often at metaphorical crossroads (who, amongst us, has actually found themselves, ever, at literal crossroads, truly stumped by which direction to go? Anyone? Bueller? Didn't think so. I think the word "crossroads" at this point is understood to be a metaphor, but it sounds so much more ponderous when you say metaphorical crossroads, so there we are. Jesus. Sorry about that. Let's all surface now from my literary deep dive and I promise to try not to do that again).

Crossroads. Hard decision with potentially far-reaching consequences depending upon which direction you choose. Okay. Back on topic.

So my dilemma is this, and I have a feeling it's one that parents have all the time as their kids transition into adulthood: when is it okay to offer unsolicited (a) advice or (2) opinion or (thirdly) information for consideration?

The thing is, I know my kids are adults. They are 24 and 22 years old. That definitely puts them wildly out of the "child" range (wherein it is my duty to advise) and well beyond the "teens" category (wherein I still get to advise because... teens). They are solidly in the adult camp. Do I still have a say? If I have useful information or experience, do I pass it along?

I sometimes paralyze myself with this question. Will disaster strike if I don't pass along my knowledge and wisdom? Will my kids resent me (and by resent me I mean mock me when they get together or chat on the phone) if I do send them unrequested guidance?

My byzantine thought process goes a little something like this:

I hear a piece of information, for instance that vaping is on the rise and causing serious illness in young adults. My kids are young adults. This seems like important information, pertinent specifically to their demographic. But maybe they already know it. They're smart. They're informed. So if I mention it, I don't want them to think that I think they're not informed. Or that I disapprove of their potential habits. But if I don't mention it, what if they vape and become ill? That would kind of feel like my fault, because maybe if I had sent the information they wouldn't have tried it.

You see, I am sure, my dilemma (and also how batshit crazy it can be inside my head).
This whole perplexity (yes, that is a word) has its roots in a situation that occurred years ago, when Olivia was in third grade. There was a spelling bee at school, and she had advanced past the classroom round and into the final competition. She was excited, and wanted to prepare, so I would give her random words to spell. As we were driving home from the beach one afternoon, we passed a field of rhubarb. I thought to myself, That would be a great spelling word because it's kind of tricky! But I didn't give it to her, because we were just having a nice, relaxing drive and I didn't want her to feel like she always had to be practicing, that she had to win. And goddammit, what word did she miss in the spelling bee? Fucking rhubarb.

She was so sad that day. It broke my heart. And I felt partly responsible for her sadness. I could have prevented it if I had just given her the word on the drive home. (side note: I don't think Olivia has suffered any trauma from this incident; just me--I'm the traumatized party)

And thus, the rhubarb dilemma. When does a parent insert oneself? When is it proactive vs. pushy? When is it informative vs. intrusive?

I fully realize that this is all not nearly as complex as perhaps I imagine. I am an adult. The kids are adults (ha--that makes no sense!). I suppose that in a sane world, I would pass along information that I think might be useful knowing full well that the kids can consider it--or not; they can acknowledge it--or not; they can ignore it--or not. And my contentment would have to lie quietly in the space that we have given them the proper tools with which to evaluate whether or not the information is useful to them.

And also, I guess I just have to resign myself to the fact that when I send them an article on, say, how to be sure their Uber ride is a safe one (that is REALLY important information! I can't be expected to sit on it, can I?), they are probably going to have a great conversation hysterically laughing at the fact that their MOTHER is trying to tell THEM how to best take an Uber. (And by the way, kids, remember to ALWAYS ask the Uber driver if he knows your name so you don't mistakenly get into the wrong car. Just sayin'.)

You're welcome.