The Burdensome Life of the Asterisk

This blog is not about Trump (***).

Poor asterisk.
It looks so light-hearted and joyful--all snowflake shaped and seeming like it should be equally useful both as punctuation and Christmas decoration.

I'm sure once, long ago, the asterisk was a reputable, stand-up piece of glyph. So named because it looks like a star, its job was to simply allow you to read all the way through a sentence without getting all mucked up in gobbledygook. The gobbledygook would be indicated by the asterisk, and would be readily available for your perusal at the bottom of the page, at your leisure. It was a small sign to indicate that there was further explanation should you want or need it. And if you sought out the asterisk at the bottom of the page to find out what it had to add, you'd read it, nod your head, and continue on. Good stuff. Pat yourself on the back, asterisk.

But then something happened. I don't know when or why or who started it. But our cute little asterisk somehow started denoting lengthy paragraphs of legalese. You want a credit card? We have got a great (*) one for you--low interest rate and no yearly fee, but (*) please note that if you miss a payment we will be coming to collect your firstborn (and twenty more sentences having to do with APR percentages and late fees...).

And THEN... poor little guy... tiny snowflake... he became the symbol of outright lies (completely against his will, I'm sure).

Let me illustrate for you the burdensome life of the asterisk:

US Postal Service: Flat Rate Box
Concept: If it fits inside--we ship it for a flat fee! (*)
(*unless it weighs more than we want it to, in which case we will charge you extra; also, if you want it to go somewhere that we say isn't "anywhere", we will charge you more).

WTF, USPS?

And the postal service is by no means alone. Businesses these days just say what sounds good, put an asterisk in at the end of their pithy slogan, and then use the asterisk to completely disavow that pithy slogan. If you see an asterisk in an advertisement, just assume that it means "except we're totally lying and we don't really mean what we just said."

Another example: deli meats. Check the labels. NO ADDED NITRATES OR NITRITES!*
(*except those which occur in celery juice, which we are adding in copious amounts to the meat and which, SURPRISE! have significantly high naturally occurring levels of nitrates. So, yeah, added nitrates).

I feel about asterisks kind of the same way I feel about cell phones: they are an excuse to not do what you say you are going to do (you know you've received that text from someone who was supposed to meet you at a certain time and then texts you to tell you they're going to be half an hour late; I posit that if they didn't have that cell phone and couldn't text you, they likely would have been on time).

So anyway. Asterisks.

In a nutshell, it just seems like they are now the literal symbol representing lies.

And we are now in the midst of an administration that really, really could work our little emblem to death. Just think of it...

"It was the biggest inaugural crowd in history!" (*)

*except for the one right before it

"I have passed the biggest tax cuts in history!" (*)

*except for seven other bigger ones

"I predict I will probably pay more under my tax plan than I'm paying right now."(*)

*I will release my taxes to show you how much more I'm paying.(**)

**except I won't, ever, ever, ever release my taxes

Regarding Russia and voting interference:

"My people came to me and they think it's Russia."(*)

*"I have President Putin; he just said it's not Russia. I will say this: I don't see any reason why it would be."(**)

**The sentence should have been, I don't see any reason why it wouldn't be Russia, sort of a double negative. So you can put that in and I think that probably clarifies things pretty good.

Honestly, they don't make fonts small enough for this president to eventually clarify what he's talking about. 

My poor little asterisk. 

I propose that we keep the asterisk's innocence and original purpose which, remember, was to help clarify the reading of ideas. 

I suggest that from now on, in advertising and in politics, if there is a need to further explain what is being lied talked about, a small icon of Donald Trump's head should be used. Because he is the embodiment, the physical representation, of the spewing of lies, untruths, alternative facts. His fabrications should be indicated not by an innocent little snowflake, but by the ugly, orange combover that is so closely associated with him. 

Phew! I can feel the asterisk's relief already, the burden lifting. 

***okay, maybe it is about Trump